Sunday, April 3, 2011

Identity Crisis

i-den-ti-ty- (noun, plural)- condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is.

What exactly is my identity? This is the very question I have been asking myself for the past year. Like who am I? When I was young, elementary school, I was Jamie Isaacs' sister and Jimmy and Lisa Isaacs daughter. When I went to middle school, I was Jennifer Bowen's friend, Jamie's little sister, and a cheerleader. When I got to high school I was still Jamie's little sister and a cheerleader, but then I became Barry Russell's girlfriend, and the "good" girl. After I graduated I continued being Barry Russell's girlfriend, but then I became known as that little nail tech at Krista James. I was those for a few years but then I got married and became Barry's wife. And from there I became Isaac and Eli's mom. So for MANY years I have been known as "some one's" person whether it be a sister, daughter, friend, girlfriend, wife or mom. Like seriously I go to church and I'm known as, "oh your Barry's wife." And then when I go to the gym I get, "your Isaac an Eli's mommy." Both associations are great. I LOVE being those people, but over the past year I've realized that I wanted my own identity as well. I wanted to be known as Nikki! I wanted to go out and someone to recognize me for me and not as an association to someone else. The crazy thing was to me is that it took me so many years to realize this. I think it wasn't such an issue when I was growing up because I lived in a town that knew ME even with those associations. But when I moved to Columbia, SC, that is where I lost it. Barry had already been up in SC for several months when I finally moved. So he had set up a life and friendships. And so when I arrived to join him that is how I was introduced because people knew him. Which was fine in the beginning, but after 8 years of marriage and living in the same state I figured eventually that would end. It hasn't. Then after that I eventually became Isaac and Eli's mom. With all that said about a year ago I decided I wanted to find me. I needed to find me. I needed to appreciate me and the person I had now become. During this time I got job at the boys preschool, and I honestly think this was God's way of giving me my OWN identity. With the job I became Nikki and I found a ton of new friends (the ladies I work with that I love being with). And I LOVE it!!! I love that I'm still "Barry's wife" and "Isaac and Eli's mom", but I LOVE being known as Ms. Nikki. And what I love even more is going to the mall, a restaurant, grocery store, or wherever and hearing someone say to me, "hi you're Ms. Nikki right?" or "Hi Ms. Nikki!!!!" I LOVE it. I love knowing that I've found out who I am for now. And I look forward to all the other "identities" I end up with in years to come.

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